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In Alphabet of the Arcane, Justin Maudslien, aka Sub-Human’s Mr. M., explores weird and little known factoids and shares his skewed observations about the world of comics, cartoons and sequential art.

Get ready for another dose of shock and awe from the infamous Mr. M. (Infamous is when you are more than famous.)  This one is longer than a hooker’s dream.

If there is only one statement that is true about the entire human race, it is mankind has always been fascinated by it’s cousin, the primate.  Be it the flying monkeys from Wizard of Oz…

…or maybe it was the first time you saw the monkeys bone at the zoo, everyone has a soft spot for our furry mammal friends, even the former President who has more aircraft carriers and federal buildings named after him than an ape has bitches in his harem.

Bask in the glory of one of the strangest gimmicks of the comic medium…Monkeys, apes, and baboons, oh my!

Dial M for Monkeys!

Let us begin with the most common monkey found in comics, Sea Monkeys!  Almost every collector who bought a comic in the 80s purchased at least one set of Sea Monkeys, and only a quarter of them could actually get them to grow.

Since the 80s comics have taken the monkey gimmick to amazing heights, even gracing the covers of decent storylines such as DC’s Salvation Run.

One of my favorite characters in comics happens to be a monkey.  The amazing ampersand from Y: The Last Man.

Long before Ampersand and Gorilla Grodd, there was the Golden Age of Apes.  Let us look back to a time often forgotten, a time of over-saturation of ape-like villains cashing in on adolescent fascination thanks to movies like King Kong.

Special Thanks to Yetanothercomicsblog.com for most of these images.  Respect.

Not all apes in comics are necessarily evil.  A few heroes have ape-like qualities such as the original Beast (before the cat-like second mutation guaranteeing him no sex for the rest of his mutated life) and the more recent character to emerge Spaceboy from the overly-acclaimed Umbrella Academy.

Cartoons and comic have other ape or monkey like characters, but usually they are reserved for comic relief.  Some key examples are Space Ghost’s Blip, Family Guy’s Evil Monkey,, Hanna Barbera’s ever squatting Grape Ape and my personal favorite Tony Millionare’s Sock Monkey.

Speaking of Sock Monkey Superheroes, check this bad boy out.  You can order these for $120, which is the equivalent of a lot of sandwiches.  If you can afford that, more power to you.

Who wants some Monkey Love?

Upon careful examination I am convinced DC is obsessed with monkeys.  Exhibit A:  I knew Jimmy Olsen always had a thing for Lois Lane (who didn’t), but bestiality!  C’mon Jimmy, sober up!

Some primates just want a little love, but others, they have agendas, be it Nazis, Communism, witchcraft, or just old fashioned organized crime.  I was always under the impression the Nazis were into the Aryan race with blond hair and blue eyes, who knew Hitler recruited primates as well?

One plot cliche seems to be transforming, or threatening to transform heroes into apes.

What’s that you want to see a ridiculous DC Crossover?  Well, okay, but just this once.

Don’t forget the Mighty Marvel Tradition to steal a horrible idea:

If the epic crossover wasn’t enough, as always there can be too much of a good thing.  EPIC MONKEY FAIL

I have seen the future and it is full of monkeys!

I like in the post 2000 AD world and I have yet to attack a giant monkey with a motorcycle shooting lasers.  I don’t ask for much in life, a drink or three at the local pub and a motorcycle that shoots lasers,  is that too much to ask?

Of all the monkeys in all the world, only one threatens the genre.  Only one dares to mock everything monkeys stand for and that is the worst character in cartoon (and later comic history):

If only there was an evil Gleek, but wait:

Lets end it on a high note and cash in on Micheal Jackson’s death, yes, that is how I roll.  A comic I have yet to read, but it is definitely on the list is a comic based on Bubbles, Micheal Jackson’s pet monkey.

And just in case you didn’t get enough monkey love, check out BJ and the Bear, why a movie or Brian Azzarello comic was never based on the concept of a trucker and his monkey proves there is no god.   Darwin be praised!

Justin Maudslien is the artist and writer behind Sub-Human (http://www.sub-human.org), a semi-autobiographical comic about a borderline alcoholic fanboy bumbling his way through the Seattle school system as a substitute teacher. He is also the West Coast satellite for the Sequential Art Collective. His more “informal blog” can be found at http://www.myspace.com/subhumanthecomic.