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In Media Madness, Matt. Murray reviews, revisits and rambles about comics, cartoons and their interactions in and with related media.

I read some disappointing news over at Dark Horizons last week — rumor has it that Hayden Christensen will be playing Mandrake the Magician in some Criss Angel style adaptation of the Lee Falk comic strip of the same name.  Ugh.

While I’m not adverse to updating and playing with what is clearly a dated concept and character, I am frightened and saddened by choosing uber-douche Angel as the mold to recast the hero in (he evidently has a cameo as well) and then there’s casting Dork Vader himself to carry the production… In the words of Patton Oswalt doing his impression of Nick Nolte as Han Solo: Aw Hell, Chewbacca!

How the hell does this guy still get work? Has no one been to the movies in the past ten years? This kid buckled under the weight of the second Star Wars trilogy and was outperformed by the special effects and Billy Fu@%ing Elliot in Jumper. He can barely sustain the illusion of having an emotion on screen, how are we supposed to buy into the fact that he’s the world’s greatest illusionist and escape artist?

(In better news, Djimon “Give Us Us Free” Hounsou is in it too.  I’m assuming he’s playing Mandrake’s African sidekick Lothar as he’s absolutely perfect casting in that department.   So here’s hoping that maybe the producers and director aren’t complete shortbussers.)

In honor of this disgusting piece of casting that will no doubt amount to a staggering disappointment, and the death of another potentially cool classic comic franchise (The Phantom and/or Spirit, anyone?), I’ve assembled a list of the 5 worst performances in movies adapted from comics in the past 10 years or so.

Disclaimer: Enjoy the list, but by no means don’t watch the films. Really. You shouldn’t. Not only are they horrible performances but these people will get paid in some way, shape or form if you pick up the disc or watch it via some other legal means. Don’t encourage crap kids, it only begets more!

5 Worst Comic Book Character Performances in Live Action Media:

TIE: Jessica Alba as Nancy Callahan in Sin City/Jessica Alba as Sue Storm in Fantastic 4

Credit for Alba’s double dose of top-tier terrible portrayals of comic characters belong as much to the producers and directors of these films as the “actress” herself.  A world weary stripper who rediscovers her innocence and ability to love with the “resurrection” of her childhood savior?  Hey let’s get a starlet with a no nudity clause, who can’t even play one emotional level, let alone two or three.  An all-American, apple pie beauty, who’s been re-worked for this continuity as a world class scientist, on the same level of genius as the two men vying for her love?  Hey, let’s get a Latina dipshit, die her hair blonde, put creepy blue contacts in her eyes and laugh at her as she tries to muddle her way through science-y stuff!  Her name alone will drag in the drooling fanboys who salivated over her leather clad ass on Dark Angel.  Both creative teams were right about the last part, but clearly wrong about their choice of a female lead.  I’m hoping for the day when either or both directors choose to digitally replace Jessica Alba in the “Redux” cuts of their films.  Hey, you can do it now with Elizabeth Banks.  She’d be perfect for both roles, and if you film them together I’m sure you can get a deal.

Keanu Reeves as John Constantine in Constantine

Again the casting is all.  Reeves would have been pretty much out of his depth as a hard-boiled, supernatural investigator in any other film that wasn’t an adaptation of the Hellblazer comics.  As John Constantine, he was horrendous.  If they were skewing a younger, “hotter,” more wooden demographic than what the character in the comics actually was, at least they could have cast Jude Law.  First of all, he’s actually British.  Secondly, for all of his terrible performances (like in Sky Captain and Alfie) there are some fairly decent ones like Gigolo Joe, the robot prostitute in AI.

Halle Berry as Storm in X-Men and X2: X-Men United

She has five lines in the first movie and none of them are delivered in the same accent.  Or with any kind of convincing emotion.  The quality of her acting did actually double in the second one, but two times zero is still zero.   ‘Nuff said.

The Entire Cast of Superman Returns

A male model cast for the size of his junk and a passing resemblance to Christoper Reeve, doing a passable Christopher Reeve impression.  A 22 year-old numbskull of a waif trying to convince the audience that she’s a spicy Pulitzer Prize winning columnist capable of carrying  a godlike half breed to term, let alone raise him by herself for five years.  Kevin Spacey morosely cashing a large check for living in the shadow of Gene Hackman.  Cyclops from the X-Men films.  This is the super team that Bryan Singer tried to convince the world was the perfect crew to revive the Superman franchise.  His punishment was three years making a sub par Tom Cruise movie and hopefully career death from which there is no return.

Matt. Murray earned his BFA in film, television and radio production from NYU. He has curated exhibits focusing on the art and commerce of Saturday Morning cartoons and the adaptation of illustrated media into live actions films and animation. Murray is the country’s leading (if not only) Smurfologist. His personal blog, It’s Time for Some Action, can be found at http://actnmatt.blogspot.com/

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