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Every Monday, Matt. Murray reviews, revisits and rambles about comics, cartoons and their interactions in and with related media.

by Matt. Murray

A little more than ten years ago, the mis-identified “genre” of comic book movies entered a new phase with the release of the first Blade.  Declared dead in 1997, thanks largely to the efforts of Joel Schumacher and Akiva Goldsman, movies based on superhero comics bounced back a summer later thanks to the underestimated efforts of and a lot of luck riding on the side of  screenwriter David Goyer, actor Wesley Snipes and director  Stephen Norrington.  Blade opened the door for not only two sequels, but for the development and final greenlighting of several other Marvel Comics properties including X-Men and Spider-Man.

Now, as we have either just left or recently entered a newer cycle thanks to Iron Man and The Dark Knight, and the just released Watchmen looms in the collective consciousness – splitting the ranks of film and comics fans a like, I feel that its a good time to take a look back at what I believe to be the true crap that emerged from the shadows of Blade.

This isn’t a list of “the worst” super hero movies per se, but rather a brief look at films I really didn’t like from the past ten years and why I didn’t care for them.

I should say up front and in my own defense, that I saw these movies in the theaters — which means that I was willing to give them the benefit of my proverbial doubt.  I don’t just throw $10 and two or so hours of my life at anything, despite what you may have heard from friends of mine who have spent time with me in “gentlemen’s clubs” along Queens Boulevard.  For example, there are some movies that you would expect to see here that I haven’t watched at all, like Elektra and Catwoman.  Those just looked and felt like complete wastes of energy, and I’ve actively sought out other means of entertainment even when they’ve been on the most basic of cable channels.

Then, there are reviled films that didn’t trigger a strong enough emotional response in me to rate my hate.  Mark Steven Johnson’s double bill of Daredevil and Ghost Rider falls in this category, as does the 2004 Punisher and even Constantine.

Then there are movies that are generally considered crap that I actually kinda liked.  League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?  Hulk (2003)?  Spider-Man 3?  What about them?  I thought they were pretty good.  Better than From Hell, at least, which itself isn’t even one of my least favorite adaptations.

However, there are a handful of super hero movies released in the last decade that I absolutely abhor and will make myself watch out of penance for sins committed, or at least to reinvigorate my love for the first Hellboy when I’m feeling extra jaded.  Without further ado, here they are in chronological order by release date:

X-Men (2000) – Legend says that I threw my drink at the screen on opening night of this piece of dreck.  I don’t remember doing it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case.  I even know at what point it may have happened, too, it’s actually the high point of the script: where Wolverine calls Cyclops a “di@%” at the Statue of Liberty.  With the exception of Batman and Robin, which falls just out of date range for this list, X-Men has the worst script of any comic book movie I have ever seen.  It’s Sci-Fi Channel TV movie bad.  Director Bryan Singer has blamed the “limitations” of this movie on money and scheduling, while I blame the movie’s crappiness on it’s ham-handed dialogue and the connection between the plight of the Mutants and the Civil Rights movement which is forced down the viewer’s gullet at every turn.  Before the credits had begun to roll, I was kicking my way to the exit “by any means necessary.”  Other things that sucked about this movie: shoddy effects even by the year 200o’s standards; complete misuse of Ian McKellen; the Brotherhood of Plot Devices and Pointless Character Cameos; Halle Berry.  Islands of hope in the river of s#!t: Rebecca Romijn’s jiggle-tastic “outfit”; it put Hugh Jackman on the map.

Fantastic Four (2005) – I met Michael Chiklis during the cast’s promotional tour for this movie.  I got the opportunity to ask him one question: Which role was more difficult for him?  John Belushi in Wired or Ben Grimm?  His response: “Belushi was easier to play, but it almost ended my career.  The 60 pounds of rubber was tough but (the Thing) is a great part and a great opportunity for me.”  Oh, hindsight…  I wonder what he would say now.  (I actually got to ask him another question as he was leaving the location: “What time is it?”  It took him a second but he responded in kind, with a great cheer from the crowd.  This  was before the movie was actually released.  It was probably the only instance in which his performace of the Thing or his catchphrase “It’s Clobberin’ Time!”  was actually applauded.)  Does anybody remember, right before Fantastic Four came out, Chickie (as he was referred to by his stunningly handsome cast mate, Julian McMahon, at this appearance) was talking about how he wanted to leave his hit television show, The Shield?  Did anyone else notice that he was on the show for three more years after this crap bomb came out?  Also, I had heard from a friend who was high ranking at a certain entertainment company at the time of the movie’s production, that Chiklis requested the suit as it would “help his performance”, and demanded that he had to be recognizable in it which killed the trademake Thing brow.   But why did it have to look so s#!tty?  So many other unanswered, perhaps unanswerable, questions run through my head in reference to this movie:  Was the director of Barbershop really the right fit for this film (let alone the sequel)?  Who the fu@% cast Jessica Alba at all (let alone as a scientist)?  How and why was this movie a financial success (let alone a top 20 earner for 2005)?  Ugh.  More headaches: I said these before but Tim Story, director of Taxi?  Jessica Alba?  C’mon! Actual bright spot: Chris Evans gave a definitive performance as the Human Torch.  If it’s legally possible for Marvel to include him in their upcoming slate of films, they should.  (He was also a very sweet guy when I met him, so I personally wish him the best.)

Superman Returns (2006) – I was willing to blame X-Men on the script, but Bryan Singer making a second appearance on this list clearly calls the man’s career into question – and indeed, was any other movie he made nearly as good as The Usual Suspects?  Didn’t think so.  Well, Superman Returns is actually his worst movie in my opinion.   According to the IMDB:

“DC Comics offered Singer access to the 20 plus years of development information that Superman has had since 1986, but Singer vehemently refused to use this information, instead insisting that he use only the continuity of the Richard Donner films.”

Well, not only did he use the continuity,  he used most of the script from the first two Superman films, as well as the performance of Marlon Brando, whose “remixed” dialogue and digitally reanimated corpse accounts for the largest and best acted role in the entire movie.  Superman himself, Brandon Routh, was cast solely for his resemblance to and ability to vocally ape Christopher Reeve (another reason has been rumored to do with how his junk filled out and filled up the costume, although another rumor claims that numerous “money shots” were digitally fixed one way or the other  in post), however the Man of Steel barely speaks in the whole movie.  Indeed, most of the film consists drawn out sequences of Supes flying around and looming ominously over the earth.  Despite whatever reasons Routh got his role, the biggest WTF casting choice is Kate Bosworth.  Her wooden, dead eyed, 12 year-old Lois Lane, would in all dramatic honesty, barely make this film’s blatantly homosexual Jimmy Olsen think twice about his lifestyle choices, let alone inspire two self-identified hetero males like Superman and Cyclops whatever weak weak point of a romantic triangle James Marsden is playing this time, enter into an ill-fated emotional boxing match for her hand.  In short, it’s less of a superhero film than a two and a half hour, homoerotic, aerial ballet.  In interviews following the release of Superman Returns, Singer promised to up his game for his second attempt, like he did during his tenure on the X-Men franchise, but it looks like we’ll never know.  I, for one, am grateful for small favors.  Even more cinematic kryptonite: joyless performances by the entire cast, including a needlessly somber Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor.  Anything good about this movie?: That shot where Superman stops a bullet… with his eyeball!

Matt. Murray earned his BFA in film, television and radio production from NYU. He has curated exhibits focusing on the art and commerce of Saturday Morning cartoons and the adaptation of illustrated media into live actions films and animation. Murray is the country’s leading (if not only) Smurfologist. His personal blog, It’s Time for Some Action, can be found at http://actnmatt.blogspot.com/

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