animation, comics, exhibits, events, etc!

On alternating Tuesdays, Justin Maudslien, aka Sub-Human’s Mr. M., explores weird and little known factoids and shares his skewed observations about the world of comics, cartoons and sequential art.

by Justin Maudslien

Greetings, oh seekers of the sooth…

Henry Ford once said “History is Bunk.” I respectfully disagree, history is another bodacious “B” – booty. That’s right, history is nothing but a chronological list of who wants booty… who needs booty… and who is getting booty.

What is this booty you ask? Let’s ask the Beastie Boys:

“Yo professor, what’s another name for buried treasure? I think it’s booty… boo… boo… booty.”

Of course, booty has two meanings: both the spoils of war and a deliciously round mound of slang for a certain body part — and if you ask me both are applicable to any usage of the word.

Example: as a history major I can tell you those who make the history books are those marrying into powerful booty-licious families or those who conquer their enemies and plunder the booty.

Now, if you put a bunch of guys into flamboyant spandex suits, they will start brawling. They could fight for many reasons, but under all those rivalries and bitter feuds they are trying to eliminate rivals for potential mates. Why does Batman keep fighting crime? DC claims it was because his parents were gunned down, but once Catwoman appeared, Batman had a new mission… to get in her tights. In the realm of video games, one could ask why Pac-Man munches on ghosts. It is so he can munch on something else, later on? When Gargamel wanted to disrupt the Smurf way of life, what did he do? Why he created a female Smurf, and suddenly life wasn’t so Smurfy after all.

Now, back to speaking of history, Helen of Troy might be the face to launch a thousand ships, but Wonder Woman’s finely sculpted body launched a thousand issues over the years. So shall we use it to launch this installment of Alphabet of the Arcane — ladies, gentleman and booty lovers of all ages, races, denominations, preferences, ZIP codes, and Sealy Posture-pedic Sleep Numbers — I present the Letter B!

For the record, I have never been aroused by a comic book character, and in no way condone or endorse the trend of sexualizing women in order to sell books. The most sexy thing a woman can do is show her intelligence rather than her booty.  No, seriously.  The great and powerful Mr. M has spoken.

The Secret Origin of Booty

As mammals with certain basic desires it is natural that our realms of fantasy are filled with sculpted bodies featuring perfect curves that no real person could posses without expensive augmentation. Growing up, I watched He-Man, and it took many years before I realized there was no way a human could ever have a chest and biceps like one of the Masters of the Universe. So if comics and movies accentuate what we desire, why are secondary sex characteristics, like the booty, so prominent in popular culture?  As the great Sir Mix-a-lot said, “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun.”

Several anthropologists and psychologists have all weighed in over the years, so let’s consult the non-rapping experts. First up is Desmond Morris, famous author of the controversial book, The Naked Ape. In this college staple, Morris breaks down the thesis that almost everything we do is sexual in nature. He states, “[the] protuberant, hemispherical breasts of the female” are copies “of the fleshy buttocks, and the sharply defined red lips around the mouth must be copies of the red labia.” In other words, guys are attracted to a woman’s breasts only because they remind us of the round curves of the buttocks and goes on to state that a woman’s mouth copies the shape of the Va-jay-jay. Wow, Mr. Morris, I am speechless.

No analysis of human behavior would be complete without Sigmund Freud. His famous and monumental work, Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality (1905), stated every human goes through stages of development. People had three stages of bodily fixation: the first on the mouth, then the anus, and then the genitals. Each person has to pass through these stages for “normal” development, but one could be fixated on any one of those stages. For example, according to Freud, anal fixation led to male homosexuality.

Several European naturalists took the work of Charles “Chuck” Darwin and adapted his theories to describe human sexuality. Once Europeans began colonial exploration, they classified the different races they encountered. One prominent feature that made it easy to classify different races was the size and form of the buttocks. Let’s take a second and think about this. You’re a scientist on a boat for weeks at a time with nasty, smelly sailors and once you hit a foreign shore you say, “I need to check out these girls’ butts to classify them.” Good work, my friend; examine that rump in the name of science. The different size and shape of the buttocks and other secondary sex characteristics helped prove Darwin’s theory of humans adapting, at least for reproductive purposes.

No matter how many experts weigh in on the subject, we all know the human reproductive desire is strong. Women are not immune and find a healthy pair of cheeks appealing because of their thrusting power. As for the fellas, there is a reason Jennifer Lopez is famous, and it has very little to do with her ability to sing.

What you gon’ do with all that junk? All that junk inside that trunk?

Let us delve deep in the land of comics to analyze past battles to see if the booty theory holds up. One of my favorite comic events would have to be the Infinite Gauntlet, one of the first major team ups in the Marvel Universe. If we boil it down to reason it is because of booty. Thanos fell in love with Death and used the Infinity Gauntlet to kill half the Marvel Universe in an attempt to impress her.

Every girl goes crazy for a sharp dressed man.

Another example is the arch-nemesis battle between Spider-Man/Peter Parker and the Green Goblin/Norman Osborn. The focal point of this lifetime struggle is not Green Goblin’s son Harry, but Peter’s girlfriend Gwen Stacy. Peter Parker continually brings up the guilt he feels for her death, apparently to the point of seeing severed heads over the New York skyline.

The X-Men have fought almost everything over the years, including themselves, but when some aliens named the Brood come in and start scratching up the pretty mutants watch out. The X-Men get brutal when the ladies are in danger. Storm may come back with a Mohawk, still hot, but when Storm gets taken over by the Brood, not so hot. The booty must remain booty-licious.

Take two of the ugliest characters in the Marvel Universe, the Incredible Hulk and Wolverine. What does booty have to do with these two? Although Wolverine is short and hairy he still gets more tail that Captain Kirk, and even the Green Goliath sleeps with the occasional alien chick (only to get them incinerated in a nuclear blast). The brawl for booty is not sexual, the booty in this case is the victor getting bragging rights, which most likely will result in more of the other kind of booty.

Only the Lonely

So many villains vow revenge because they are disfigured (less beauty), which ultimately means less booty. The Multi-verse would be a boring place if some of the prominent villains got a little booty on a regular basis. No one wants to sleep with the Leader from the Incredible Hulk or Baron Zemo, but if a young girl would “take one for the team,” she just might distract someone long enough that they may forget their plans of world domination. If the Sub-Mariner got to touch some invisible booty once in a while,the surface world would be safe. If Lex Luthor had one night with Lois, he would forget all about the Man of Steel. Another bald character bordering on villainy is Professor X, who obviously has the hots for Jean Grey. All those years of sexual frustration really take its toll.

Below is a missed opportunity for world peace.

Even Dr. Doom needs a little TLC once in a while.

The Exception that Proves the Rule

Probably the most recognizable villain in comics is the Joker. Over the years he has changed in many ways. In the ’80s he was putting on lipstick and suddenly more effeminate. In the ’90s a new character emerges, the voluptuous Harley Quinn. Although the Joker still finds time to tangle with Batman, he seems a little distracted over the last decade and a half, it might have something to do with his little concubine.

Rounding Third Base: The Booty is in Sight

Some of the most highly prized artists in the industry became famous for their ability to draw the booty. Take Adam Hughes.

Another example is Frank Cho, whose work features exaggerated round secondary sexual characteristics.

Many characters in comics are mediocre at best, yet they continue to sell issues because of sex appeal. In an economy where even pimps are feeling the crunch I can understand why publishers resort to use sex to sell. I personally need a little more substance in my books, but let’s take a look at some of the outfits that caused middle school boys everywhere to flock to the comic store in droves since mom threw away their best porno mag.

Nice outfit, way to help the women’s liberation movement. Speaking of the feminine mystique, which version of Psylocke do you think is more popular with the boys?

Stay on Target. Stay on Target.

There really is no mystery many girls don’t read comics, but the truth is the men in comics are just as sexualized and unrealistic. While researching photos I was amazed how easy it was to go from images approved by the comic code to full blown pornography. One trend I did notice is villains seem to be more sexualized than the heroes (with the exception of Power Girl). Take the Invisible Woman, the ultimate comic MILF, and see how much she leaves to the imagination as soon as she turns evil.

Booty Booty Booty Booty Rockin’ Everywhere

If you made it this far, you must be a butt man or butt lady, so here’s one of the most ridiculous, gratuitous booty shots I could find. Bonus points for knowing who owns the booty.

So,  the next time you find yourself emerged in the Multi-verse take a second to appreciate the human form. Make a game out of finding the booty in the issue. It’s like Where’s Waldo… only better.  I part ways quoting the modern booty poet of our age, bask in the wisdom:

Smack it up, flip it, rub it down, oh no!

(All images copyright their respective owners and creators.)

Justin Maudslien is the artist and writer behind Sub-Human (http://www.sub-human.org), a semi-autobiographical comic about a borderline alcoholic fanboy bumbling his way through the Seattle school system as a substitute teacher. He is also the West Coast satellite for the Sequential Art Collective. His more “informal blog” can be found at http://www.myspace.com/subhumanthecomic.